Tips on leaving your cat behind when you move

Maybe you're lucky enough to have a cat that does things like the one shown in the photo. I was, until I made the heart wrenching decision to move out of my mother's house and leave my beloved cat behind. Now that I'm in the Mean City of Brotherly Love, I find myself despondent. Alone in an apartment with no cat to soothe my night terrors. 

So I have set upon a quest to find a roommate with a suitable cat in his or her possession. I posted an ad on Craigslist, home of the Craigslist Killer and ads for "modelling" jobs for girls age 18-24 with the college look, make up to $5,000 a week!!!!

After sifting through the obvious murderers and other unsuitable candidates, I found a few people who seemed to be nice enough people, who more importantly owned a cat or two. Yesterday I saw both of them, though sadly not the cats. I think I'll save requesting to Skype them in for the second interview. 

First, there was the owner of the Hypoallergenic Cat. This is how the potential roommate described his cat, and at first I was uneasy, thinking that might be code for a hairless cat. I'd hate to discriminate based on the cat's uncontrollable hair situation, but those cats look like they'd feel like a cold scrotum. So I fished for more information, asking what KIND of cat this hypoallergenic wonder might be. The guy kindly told me that she's half Russian Blue, and, sensing my pretense offered to send me photos to prove it. Never one to say no to a pussy pic, I accepted and saw for myself that this was a very hairy pussy indeed.

The next contender is a pair of cats who happen to be Russian Blues as well, but mysteriously are not related. In my book, the only thing better than one pussy is two. They sent me an email inquiring about the room, and the owner added a PS about herself. I was enamored with their typing skills and with the enclosed photograph showcasing their very soft looking fur. Their owner really cinched it yesterday when she told me that they're both snugglers. It can get very lonely at night without a warm pussy in one's bed.

Time will tell if more pussies present themselves to pay half the rent and utilities, but I am very happy with the pussies I've seen so far. I can only hope that the decision making process is like a rose ceremony from The Bachelor. Though it'll have to be a double rosing, and there probably won't be any tears. A girl can dream, though.

The Light That Failed; or, The Little Light House That Couldn't

Twice Told Tuesdays: The Light That Failed; or, The Little Light House That Couldn't
A book review based on the title, and then a review based on the actual book. We shall see which one is more appealing.

This novel by beloved author Rudyard Kipling is a tour de force through the depressing realms of pre- and post-war Maine. It’s told in whiplash inducing flashbacks and flashforwards, straddling the scenic 1860’s and dark 1980’s, before and after tragedy strikes. It tells the tale of a young lighthouse in Maine who wanted nothing more than to be a beacon of guidance for ships coming into the stormy and rocky port on shore. This plucky lighthouse is full of grit and determination and will stop at nothing to rise above the rest. She quickly becomes disillusioned when faced with the harsh realities of everyday life on the rough and tumble Permaquid Point in Bristol, Maine. She must turn to a life of trafficking barbiturates and prostitution before she ultimately burns to the ground. I found this charming novel to be a perfect allegory of the life of Judy Garland, and strongly referential to Amy Tan’s style of the Joy Luck Club. I would recommend reading this book if only to understand better what will happen to us all when our time comes.

Well I read the Wikipedia summary and couldn’t have been more wrong. Dick Heldar is a veteran of a war in Sudan, but he comes back to England to be a painter, despite the fact that the main reason he left was because of an eye injury. Visual art doesn't seem to be the right way to go, but whatever. He gets sort of popular for painting hyper-realistic war scenes but not really. He works on his masterpiece, Melancholia, using a prostitute named Bessie as his model. He torments her to get her to make the right face, and she gets pissed off. By this point Dick is pretty much blind and really tired, and falls asleep at the canvas. Bessie sneaks into his studio, smears his painting out of hatred, then leaves. Then Dick has his friend come over to look at his awesome new painting, and she dithers about telling the now-completely blind Dick what happened, but before she can break the news, Bessie comes back to tell him what she did. Well now Dick is Depressed with a capital D and goes back to Sudan to cry. He goes on a horse to meet his friend, then he’s shot and killed, the end. Well, all I can say is that at least it was about the same level of depressing as my expectations. No false advertising here.

Final Recommendation:
Read this with a slice of dry toast on the side, and perhaps a glass of tepid milk to mimic the bleak themes, and listen to this playlist.


How to make Winter Wonderland Sparkly Pink Peppermint Pinwheel Cookies

This is a great recipe for those frigid winter months when you want something festive and cheerful to pull you from your coldness induced depression.

Preheat your oven to 375 degrees Fahrenheit.

Get a hunk of regular sugar cookie dough and an equal hunk of pink peppermint flavored sugar cookie dough (I like to use melted special Andes brand pink peppermint pieces, but you can also use red food coloring and peppermint extract if you want to be that way).

Make them nice and cold. The most convenient way to do this is to wrap them in plastic wrap and put them in the ice cellar for 40 minutes, but if all you have is a refrigerator, that's fine too. Next is the fun part. Use your choice of flattening device (I prefer a meat tenderizer—the flat side, but a rolling pin is fine too) to flatten out each color between two layers of waxed paper, then layer one over the other (I prefer white over pink). Then you roll them up into a log and slice away with your favorite cutting implement (I like to use a knife, but I know of many who get great success with a scimitar). Place all the cookies on a cookie sheet and sprinkle with your choice of coarse sugar and bake for 7-9 minutes. Then let them cool and enjoy with a cold glass of milk (barring lactose intolerance)!

Vengeance is mine; I will repay.

"I don't pretend to be an ordinary housewife." 
~Elizabeth Taylor

The double.

The doppelgänger is bad news. This double of yourself is out to kill you and lurks by your side your whole life, waiting for you to catch a glimpse so it can finally strike. A dream of a doppelgänger is a harbinger that you will see it in waking life, and spotting one for real is a harbinger that you will soon die. Just ask Percy Shelly, Goethe, or this guy. A doppelgänger is not a twin. We at least know where those come from. It's also not a clone, no science or laboratories involved here. Be suspicious of people who look just like you, or even kind of like you (a good resource here to help you avoid potential danger).    

The perfect start.

Some emotions cannot be contained. They must be played out, even if that means murder by saucepan. It would be better to be incarcerated than to keep some things inside.